Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Goal Update


So, I worked through my weekly goals pretty well, but I think I was a little ambitious. Here is how I did:


Fitness & Nutrition:

  1. Eat right. I know what this means for me. This means tracking my food intake, eating regularly, no binges. My eating has been irregular since I've been so ill. I need to eat to heal myself and strengthen myself for my work outs.I did remarkably well!
  2. 4 workouts this week. I'm working with a trainer, and this is I need to put a torch to my weight loss.  This will be 3 workouts with my trainer. 2 on my own. I'm thinking HIIT jump rope.I got in three. I allowed myself this since I was still recovering.
  3. Do my homework. I have several weak muscles I'm supposed to be rehabbing on my off time from workouts. Every day. NEED TO.
  4. No booze. (The hardest.)I only had a few drinks over the weekend.
  5. Find my supplements and take them regularly! (Yes. I lost one of my supps. It's a suspicious looking ziplock full of sour white powder. Let me know if you see it around.) I GOT HALF OF THIS, but neglected to actually take them. Whoops.
  6. No drinking coffee right after workouts. Painful success! 


Spirit:

  1. Rest a lot. I am on my first day back at work, and can hardly concentrate I am so fatigued. Success!
  2. Somehow make it through my grandmother's memorial service without out screaming at my sister and spitting on my bio dad. (Not so easy.)Success. And bio dad didn't show, so all my spit stayed in my mouth.
  3. Make time to reflect. (3 times).Did it!
  4. Write a Thank-You note to a relative for a Christmas present. (It's late. I know.) NEED TO.
  5. Read a novel. NO TIME.
  6. Make 1 DIY project.I carved stamps

Friday, January 25, 2013

Juice Head

Here I am just hangin out with my juice pulp. #canttakeheranywhere

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I'll Be Good


I used be date a guy who taught me how to understand art. He taught me that it’s about the feeling it gives you and not necessarily about the presentation of a pretty thing. It’s one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned, not only because I can look at a thing and see its poetry even if I don’t appreciate it aesthetically, but I’m also in tune with my emotional reactions to media.

Last night, I was listening to the Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. I had listened to it about 50 times already. “This song is heartbreaking.” I said to my husband without even truly thinking about it. I had checked in to my heart, and felt it wrench in my chest. “It’s about hope.” He said and looked at me quizzically as I talked out my thoughts. In the track, he isn't looking for happiness in any of the right places. He’s drinking. He’s smoking. He’s tormented by night terrors. True, it may be about hope. But it’s also about the vicious cycle that all of us perpetuate when we look for happiness in the wrong places. It can feel like an endless, hopeless cause for some of us.

This has provoked me to consider my own path, where I've been and where I’ll go. I’ve spent the better part of my 20s looking in all of the wrong places. And it took that whole time to realize that fulfillment couldn't be found where I was looking. It was madness, really. I have resolved to be kinder to myself, to do things I love, and to nurture growth with positivity and not misguided, socially acceptable forms of self-abuse. It’s a struggle, and they do say that old habits die hard, but I’m grateful for the wisdom. I hope wherever you are in your journey, you see there is love and light after that life. You may have some things to learn yet, but you will get there. I believe in you. Just do one thing for me. When you’re relying on an old habit that might be hurting your progress. Take a second to check in. Take a breath. Give yourself a break. Think about how you want to feel and be true to that.

Monday, January 21, 2013

A Week of Goals

I have been off track and very sick. Off track with my my workouts and my nutrition. Off track with my relationships and my self-improvement. I wanted to start of this week with some fitness and interpersonal goals to keep me on track.

Fitness & Nutrition:

  1. Eat right. I know what this means for me. This means tracking my food intake, eating regularly, no binges. My eating has been irregular since I've been so ill. I need to eat to heal myself and strengthen myself for my work outs.
  2. 4 workouts this week. I'm working with a trainer, and this is I need to put a torch to my weight loss.  This will be 3 workouts with my trainer. 2 on my own. I'm thinking HIIT jump rope.
  3. Do my homework. I have several weak muscles I'm supposed to be rehabbing on my off time from workouts. Every day. 
  4. No booze. (The hardest.)
  5. Find my supplements and take them regularly! (Yes. I lost one of my supps. It's a suspicious looking ziplock full of sour white powder. Let me know if you see it around.)
  6. No drinking coffee right after workouts. 


Spirit:

  1. Rest a lot. I am on my first day back at work, and can hardly concentrate I am so fatigued. 
  2. Somehow make it through my grandmother's memorial service without out screaming at my sister and spitting on my bio dad. (Not so easy.)
  3. Make time to reflect. (3 times).
  4. Write a Thank-You note to a relative for a Christmas present. (It's late. I know.)
  5. Read a novel. 
  6. Make 1 DIY project.
I will update you in a week about how I do! This is rather ambitious, but I am positive I can get these done. 


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Donnie Dear


My grandfather could be a mean man. An unloved child of a California party girl, he lied about his age and joined the army at 15. He made something of himself, found a girl he loved, and started a family. A Colonel in the army is a tough kind of parent to have. Especially this Colonel. As a grandchild, I was protected from Harold’s tyrannical rule over his children. It was worse for them.The adults in my life had the sense to shelter me from that to a degree. I am so thankful for that, because, as I get older, stories come out (obviously), and it is heartbreaking to hear what they all went through at his hand. By the time he got to me, he had made it in life. He was retired my whole lifetime; he traveled the world; learned languages; got his PhD; became morbidly obese. He softened a little. His physically abusive days were over, but he swapped it out for verbal abuse. We were his little soldiers. We honored to him. We were terrified of him, and he demanded 100% compliance.

Why am I telling you this? I’m writing this because to know my grandmother, you must know my grandfather. She waited on him in his armchair from sun up to sun down. Every morning, she woke him up with a full body massage. He dragged her all over the world when she was happier to stay home. He broke her pretty early, and she slaved for him. She took blows to protect others from him. I realize I don't know a lot about my Grandma's past. I do know that as a young woman, she had a job in a jewelry store that she loved, but she quit when she got married. At that point, she became his punching bag. This didn't end until the last few years of his life when her dementia and deafness overtook her.

As children, my brother and I spent a lot of time with them. My mother and biological father’s tumultuous relationship made them reliant on his parents. Even though my grandfather could be short-fused and intolerant, he had a soft spot for us. He played with us. Looking back, I find “The Obedience Game” he invented problematic, but he shouted orders and we did tricks for him for pennies and M&Ms. “Stand on one leg!” “Sing a song!” “Touch your nose and stick out your tongue ” We showed him our good manners and passed his tests. He taught us how to shake hands; how to speak to people; and to respect authority. We loved to please him and cowered when we didn't  But we were just kids. Like a king he would wave us away, and Grandma would make us disappear, ushered to the basement that she kept stocked with fresh Playdoh, action figures for my brother, coloring and ponies for me. When he hurt our hearts, she was there to mend them. When he yelled at us, she was there with a soft touch. When he humiliated us, her hugs soaked up our tears. When we got too loud and broke things, when he called out our failures, there she was. Arms always open. Growing up would have been a much different experience without her.

I wasn't surprised to get the news that my grandmother had passed. She died in her sleep, in her own comfy bed. I hope I’m as lucky. My half-sister said something interesting when she broke the news to me: “I wish Grandma could have enjoyed these last few years free of Grandpa.” Now that she’s gone, I realize that I don’t know as much about her life as I should. I know next to nothing, in fact. Grandpa was so loud and controlling; there was rarely room for anyone else to shine. We never got to hear Grandma’s voice, and her dementia hit so early that the roles between she and Grandpa eventually switched. He had to take over if he didn't want salsa on his PB&Js anymore. To see that man making his own coffee in his 70s, was an image to behold. He took pretty good care of her until his death two years ago.

I have to let go of my regret that I didn't know my Grandma better. Even in her last days, when she recognized no one, she was singing to herself and jamming out to a song only she could hear and smooching all over anyone who hugged her. She loved my tattoos, and she kissed my husband’s hand the last time we saw her. If there are angels among us, she was one. She was a sweet, loving soul and that’s really all I need to know.

RIP Donna Grady (1.9.2013). May your heart and patient spirit live on through us.


In the Stars

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Self-Helpin'



I did something I previously found unthinkable: I bought a self-help book.As an employee at Borders, I dreaded the "self-help" section. It felt like an industry that was preying off of misguided people and, of course, I had it ALL figured out. Funny. I know. As a creative type, I am very drawn to strong, good graphic design. This book caught my eye. The Firestarter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide for Creating Success on Your Own Terms. I picked it up, read a couple pages, and, much to my surprise, my eyes started stinging as they welled up with tears. My heart started racing. I flipped through some pages and found some passionate truths and loving encouragement. I've been working my way through ever since. I will probably be sharing blurbs and insights from the book as I work through. I'm in no hurry to get through it. It's full of worksheets and writing exercises, so I get up in the morning for my Lu-time and do my best to absorb every bit.